Grad school, meet imposter syndrome
A stat for you: A survey of 26 countries and 234 institutions found that graduate students are six times more likely to experience depression and anxiety than the general population (Evans et al., 2018).
As a third-year PhD student, I have no shame in admitting that I am one of those graduate students who suffer from severe anxiety and persistent imposter syndrome. I did not follow the traditional path from undergraduate to master's to PhD. I worked for 8+ years – roles were clear, expectations were defined, and you always knew where you stood. There was structure. Academia feels different. It’s more ambiguous, and everyone is so confident, infallible, and knows exactly what to say or do – or at least that’s how it feels…
My friends can attest that I have always had a Type A personality – driven and structured… probably (definitely) more uptight than I would like – despite trying to mask it with Birkenstocks and tie-dyed clothes. In high school, I was the one who made the colour-coded outlines. In college, I was the first at the library. And at work, I was known for a record email response time. But this feels different. Now I feel out of my element, with anxiety manifesting as constant, persistent self-doubt.
I’ll continue to replay conversations, emails, and the work I’ve completed – picking them apart and looking for where I’ve messed up or fallen short. And, while I’d like to say this is changing, I can’t. But I also know staying stuck in this Groundhog Day loop doesn’t help – and I can tell you, based on these statistics, it doesn’t help anyone.
So, here is what I am working on. If you feel the same as me, maybe this can help you, too.
1. Take it one day at a time. My partner would probably have a million dollars (and my parents another million) if they got a penny for every time I said I was going to quit and open a taco-and-margarita stand. This usually happens when everything feels like too much all at once. But the stand has yet to be opened. Maybe it's just because I haven’t picked the right location… or I would like to think that while a shift in focus hasn't eliminated spiralling, it has certainly reduced it. Don’t think about the final dissertation or the defense – I think thinking about the day-by-day steps to get there really helps put things into perspective and reduce that ‘doom-and-gloom’.
2. Separate fact from feeling. Why should I feel out of place? Sure, my background isn’t academic, but my past work wasn't exactly a cakewalk. I didn’t have everything figured out when I first started there either, but by the end, I was doing well. Honestly, I was doing great (now really wondering why I left). The facts are, I am definitely not perfect, but I have proved I can succeed in demanding environments.And, so have you. So, what is stopping us from succeeding now?
3. Redefine what it means to make a mistake. I’m not going to lie. I still wake up in cold sweats, convinced I failed a math test or missed a class. I’m always scared of making mistakes – and the truth is, I have made some. Probably a lot. But I think I need to stop treating this as proof that I don’t belong. Mistakes are part of the process – and I like to think it means we’re taking chances, not standing still, and improving.
4. Celebrate the little things. Right now, it seems like a whole lot more losses than wins have come my way during this PhD journey. But – progress isn’t always obvious – what’s the saying, for every two steps back, one step forward? Last week I celebrated all the graphs I successfully made with R. This week, I haven’t found something to celebrate – but it's Thursday, so I probably should (and no, it definitely won’t be the New York Mets). Noticing small wins isn’t optional – it's necessary. Otherwise, we’ll never think that we’re moving forward - even though I know we are.
That’s my two cents for the day. Let me be clear – I haven’t successfully achieved any of these four points, but it’s worth a shot!
And remember, you’re doing great 😊!